Danielle has been gone a week and it is already starkly apparent that the reality inside our home has changed. I always looked at myself as a “girl” mom, despite the fact that I also have two boys. Our second daughter is a junior and when she is here she is usually in her room studying. So, that leaves me with the twelve and ten year old knuckleheads. Before you call social services, keep in mind that I used to refer to them as the “idiots” but it made my mom really angry.
To be clear, I adore my sons. I just don’t understand 99% of their behavior. In one short week they have brought out parenting skills that I did not know existed. Who knew that the best way to get their attention was to bellow directly in their faces? The five minutes beforehand yelling their names is obviously a warm-up.
Now we can do some math. If a 130 lb. object and a 168 lb. object move at equal speeds across a space of twenty feet, what happens when the two objects meet? Their mother screams “If you bleed on the carpet, I will kill you!” In fact, most of what I say to the two of them ends in a death threat. More great parenting. I have NEVER had to threaten the girls with their lives.
Then there is the bodily function issue. It seems that the boys think it is a grand idea to yell “safety” whenever one of them passes wind. Even my husband is saying it now. Again, the girls and I would endeavor with great determination to keep those types of events private. Once someone yells “safety”, the other males in the room need to yell “doorknob.” Don’t ask. I have no idea.
Let’s move on to responsibility. This is the fourth week of school, I believe, and it has just come to my attention that neither of my sons knows the location of his musical instrument. Another family first. I have an uncanny ability, like most moms, to be able to find a lost object without even turning my head. Believe me, I have searched the house and there is no trumpet or baritone here. At least the piano is still in the same spot.
The whole boy sports thing is mind boggling to me. “I asked you ten minutes ago if you were ready for practice!!” “Did you just put that mouthguard that was on the garage floor in your mouth?” “Yes, I know that is where you leave all of your sports equipment, but that is really gross.” “No, I have no idea what happened to your cup and no, your brother isn’t wearing it.” “Fine, borrow one from your friend.” Ugh.
Finally, I am getting used to being greeted after school with, “Hi Mom. What do you have for a snack?”
I am sure that none of this behavior is new, but I had previously been able to hide in the warm glow of knowledge that my girls take their personal hygiene seriously and that they care if their clothes are clean.
Now that the “boy” mom adventure is upon me, I am more grateful than ever that I am working. At least that makes sense to me.